When I wrote to you last about Love Tanks, I left out mention of Appreciation. It is debatable that this is a fifth Love Tank, but I eventually decided it was not. Even if it was a tank, I do not consider it as falling under a definition of love for a few reasons.
First, it's always separate when we use it in language, We say "loved and appreciated" and not "love is appreciation." Second, Love requires two parties, but only one is required to act. Appreciation, on the other hand, indicates a return, meaning two parties need to act. Third reason is that it's relationship to the love languages and love tanks is unique. While it acts like a tank in that it can be drained, it can also drain all of the love tanks. It also is filled by any of the love languages, but which one is dependent on the situation.
Something you must consider is an interesting paradox. It's good to give and receive appreciation, but bad to want it. The reason behind this is that the former can focus the attention on the other party in a good light, but the latter focuses on your self and can place the other party in a negative light, negatively impacting your ability to love. That negativity not only damages your relationships, but also drains your love tanks, making you depressed and lonely.
Remember though that appreciation itself is good. The thing that is bad is the feeling of entitlement. If you think about it, it can be quite often that you perform an act of love with no expectation of a reward. Instead you act because you love, focusing solely on the receiving party. However, once the idea that you should be rewarded enters your head, you begin to take those acts of love and focus on yourself rather than your beloved. By transforming the acts of love into fuel for entitlement, you become bitter. This is true with all senses of entitlement. For the sake of your soul and happiness, you need to drop the selfish-feeding desires of entitlement and just let them happen or not.
Now I know this is difficult, especially for me. When there is injustice or abuse of rights, I become very angry or depressed. However, I believe it is helpful to start dismantling your ideas of entitlement one by one, hopefully making it to just the core rights, things you need in order to become a better human being. If you can go beyond that, your ability to forgive will be divine.
Whether you believe or not, actually practicing Christians have an advantage here. This is because they have a perfect model as a result of their beliefs. God should be entitled to praise, honor, and respect, but instead people mocked, scoffed, and executed him in an excruciating manner. Yet, instead of condemning these people, God spoke words of forgiveness and proceeded to suffer and die for them. When you believe that, it should have a profound impact on your senses of entitlement.
If you examine it even further, even though Jesus displayed no sense of entitlement, he still fought for the rights of others and rebuked their oppressors. The point is that he was not selfish, but loving, according to Christian beliefs. When you believe all of those things, there is no greater role model of love.
I have
written to you about love languages before. Taking from what I have written on
the various definitions of love, perhaps we can understand the nature of love
languages even better. To recap, the five love languages are Physical Touch,
Words of Affirmation, Gift Giving, Quality Time, and Acts of Service. I gave
four definitions of love but here I will describe them in terms of feeling
loved. When we say we feel loved, we can mean that we feel Cared For, Liked,
Admired, or Wanted. Each of the Love Languages address these accordingly
You may
have noticed that there is a mismatch of numbers, but that is okay. What I have
figured is that there is some overlap. Some languages will address the same
feeling, and a language can address multiple feelings. However, in order to
have a full “Love Tank,” you need to have all four addressed.
Perhaps
the first thing we should do is establish that you have four love tanks, but
one set and probably only one primary tank by which you judge if you are loved
or not. I say four because it’s not the Love Languages themselves are not the
tanks, but the fuel, if we are thinking like gas tanks. The tanks are the four
ways we feel loved. However, due to the unique nature of humanity, the size of
each tank is most likely not the same. As a result, three out of four can be
filled, but the primary tank can account for over half, meaning you still won’t
feel loved. On the other hand, it also means that it does not take much to fill
the others, and you do that with different Love Languages.
To feel
like we are cared for, the primary fuel is Acts of Service. The secondary fuel
is Gift Giving. Quality Time and Physical Touch are wildcards depending on the
relationship. A child playing with his mother might feel cared for, but a child
playing with friends will likely not have that feeling. Gift Giving is also a
wildcard, but for the reason that if the gift is something we really desire,
then we feel like they care about us.
To feel
like we are admired, the primary fuel is either Words of Affirmation or Gift Giving.
The secondary fuel is Quality Time or Physical Touch. They are secondary
because we can acknowledge that one or the other will fill the respective tank,
but it most likely won’t fill much.
To feel like we are wanted, the
primary fuel is either Quality Time or Physical Touch. A secondary fuel is
Words of Affirmation. I make it secondary because we I consider Gift Giving a
wildcard, because I can only think of it applying in romance. However, even in
romance, the gift will probably fuel Admiration more, even if the reason for
the gift is desire. On the other hand, depending on the gift, it can also
convey being wanted.
For
feeling liked, pretty much everything covers this because the word is a bit
broad. Not only can it mean desired, but also admired and similar. However,
since we cover the other too, here will just take the Similar aspect, saying
that we feel we belong. As a result then the primary fuels are Quality Time,
Words of Affirmation, and whatever Love Language the recipient primarily uses.
After looking at this chart
interesting things we can see after looking at the chart. First is you can
understand why Hugs/Kisses and Gifts are popular since they are the easiest to
do and can potentially fill every tank. Of course, in reality, some people don’t
need gifts and some people don’t want to be touched. However, according to the
chart, Quality Time is the best in terms of coverage and degree, though how you
go about it is still important. At the same time, Words of Affirmation do a great
job of making someone feel liked no matter the definition.
The second interesting thing is the
effect of romance on creating wildcards. This perhaps is one of the main
reasons why people desire romance so much and attribute it to love, even though
friendship is arguably the best example of true love. It makes Gift Giving able
to convey that you are desired. It can make us assume that we are cared for. It
gives us a meaning of belonging and that someone admires us. Friendship, of
course, can and does cover all four, but perhaps finding that level of
friendship is too difficult for some and it doesn’t cover the sexual appetite.
I hope this helps you, my child, in
understanding the complex nature of love as well as how to make others feel
loved. However, you must remember that just as these languages can make a
person feel loved, they can also do the opposite and cause great harm. Take
care to use this knowledge to promote love and you will be on your way to
becoming a saint.
I've mentioned it before that anything that hinders you from being able to love is an evil. I have held off writing about this topic for a long time, but there are few things that hinder the ability to love more than pornography. Therefore, it needs to be talked about. Effects and how to treat them.
Now it's not often I watch a TED talk as they can be nonsensical, but this one was actually meaningful and easy to follow. Pornography is an interesting problem in that it is everywhere in society despite being frowned upon. So is the "social stigma" non-existent? Is it only in the workplace where it has any effect because of how bad it impacts the company (via viruses and low productivity)? I liked this video because it talked about the effects psychologically and socially. While I disagree with the "free sex" advocacy at the end as it undermines his arguments against porn, he's got good points the rest of the talk.
Psychologically, I must agree. I hold that children can know what true love is far better than adults. When I was 10 or 12, I came up with the idea that I truly loved a girl if I was willing to let her date someone I thought was better for her. I thought that dating should not be exclusive because if I wasn't right for her, I didn't want to waste her time in finding the right guy. After I became an adult, I found it difficult to follow through on that idea for two reasons: I was worried that she would have sex with someone else, and I would be a bit jealous. Luckily for me, she only wanted to be with me so I didn't have to deal with that.
He talks about how boys dream about how to love a girl before porn. After porn, the desire shifts to simply releasing. In addition, porn makes sexually stimulating things that are definitely not acts of love. Beating a woman is not love. Watching a woman make out is not love. A more true act of love would be feeling sorry for the women involved.
Socially, I must agree again. Why must a teenage girl try to be sexy? In fact, I recall reading an article a long time ago that little girls wanted to be "hot" more than they wanted to be princesses. These are little girls that are getting these messages. My wife told me that in her schools, sex while an adolescent was bragged about by guys. One time, I went to a hospital and saw a man reading a porn magazine in the lobby. I was more shocked when I saw the magazine belonged to the hospital!
When I visited Japan, I saw the situation is really bad as porn magazines are right next to children's comics. It's like that in convenience stores, book stores, even advertised in the trains! What's the result? How about like that one kid from England who raped his little sister? That TED video made a good analogy about the music show and it's impact on him and how porn would do the same. So if the kid is watching violent sex stuff, he'll think it, eventually talk about it, and then do it.
Another thing the video talks about is the impact it has on the women involved. Not only are more trapped, enlisted, or kidnapped to fulfill the demands, they are likely to die at an early age. The one thing I was surprised he didn't mention is that once they lose their beauty, they have nothing else. I'm surprise when they last more than 10 years. Even if they maintain their attractiveness, they will not be able to find another job. There are stories about ex-pornstars working at a school when a kid found out and harassed her to do it for him. Since these videos are online and freely available to watch, there is no way they can be forgotten. They are stuck being sex-slaves because that's exactly what they are. The only way they can be freed is when someone like Jesus comes along and gives them a chance. By watching porn, we contribute to the demand, which means more people will suffer this fate. Porn doesn't help society, it hinders it greatly and should be illegal. Otherwise you give people like Donald Trump enough money to be able to run for President and actually get far.
But what about the women who do it willingly? In that case, surely porn isn't entertainment at their expense. Actually, it still is. It is entertainment for you at the expense of their human dignity. From my previous paragraph, you might have noticed that these women are no longer considered human. Instead they are sexual objects solely to please you. Once they stop pleasing you, they get tossed out. In addition, it impacts how you see other girls as well. This is how sexual objectification grows in today's world.
Now perhaps you have wanted to quit but are struggling due to its nature as an addiction. It's unfortunately common that little kids are exposed to this stuff not by choice. Some curious kid may find a magazine in the trash. Some may find it by searching for images of their favorites characters on Google. Some are exposed in order to be sexually abused. Something I find common is that they don't like it the first time, but they are trapped.
The Art of Manliness has an article about dealing with that with lots of tactics and advice. The trust method is certainly a good one and you may notice that porn tries to destroy that. I had a friend come to me and ask me to help him. I would occasionally check up on him and ask his status, encourage him, make sure his bedroom door was open if he was on the PC, and also held a password to his parental controls. That last one is important as it allows him to access stuff when he needs it, but first needs to convince me that he wouldn't use it to look at porn.
One note I want to make is that porn has a trick up its sleeve. It tries to convince you that you'll never be free from it and so you must watch more of it. However, if it had such a strong hold on your mind, you shouldn't need to watch more. You may feel like you need to watch something new, but you don't. It's the addiction that needs the "food" in order to grow. Therefore, abstaining from watching porn is a very important step in overcoming it. You also need to avoid anything that's sketchy in pop culture (like a lot of music videos as the TED talk mentions and TV shows) as they are sexually charged and may entice you to relapse. That's difficult, I know. This is also why you need to find good friends who will want to support you. But that's a benefit actually. You find good friends and you only need 1 or 2 to be happy with your life.
Of course, it isn't enough to simply not look at porn. Among the articles I've read on Art of Manliness, the advice of doing something beneficial when the desire is aroused is great. If you are dating someone, writing a love letter can not only help you focus on love rather than lust, your beloved will love you more after receiving it. Note that you probably won't be able to draw as your imagination will be dominated by pornographic images. You need to do something abstract or physically demanding. Eating chocolate (dark chocolate is best) might help quell the passion for a while too. That's what I do when I want to make love with my wife but she's not around. However, if you need a lot of chocolate, then you should find something else. Trying to replace one addiction with another is not a good idea as you end up with 2 addictions.
Speaking about having sex, taking a cue from the guy's argument in that TED talk, do the opposite of what porn videos do. Make romantic gestures like caressing, hugging, and kissing. In fact, do them after sex as well. A sign that you are in love and not simply lusting is that you are willing to hug and kiss after sex. I found that after sex is when my brain becomes most rational, but it's also the time that I'm probably the most in love with my wife. We can talk about many things, her smile becomes brighter and more beautiful, and I feel joy as well.
I have to also advocate saving sex for when and with whom you are actually married. This is important for a few reasons. First, I believe dating is when you are supposed to learn how to say "I Love You" without sex. This is important because you do need to know that you are loved even when you cannot have sex. Second, when sex is part of the equation, you can lose track of other things that are important to you and not discuss them. Third, one of the core purposes of marriage is that you cannot back out of it. If you do not hold that third point, then your marriage will always fail, unless one of you dies before it can. Was it difficult to abstain for me? Yes, it was, but my wife and I did it over the long course of courtship despite both of us being very physically attracted. Our primary love language is physical touch and that makes it very difficult to avoid sex, but we succeeded. As a result, my wife said she knew I truly loved her and she was happy that we worked so hard. I love seeing her smile.
There's something else you need to know. You will never be cured of pornography. Like alcoholism, you will always be "recovering" and have a scar. It's partially why it's so important to never open that Pandora's Box. It can takes years before you can hold off the habit for just 1 month because of the willpower required. The longer you are in its snare, the harder it becomes to be free. However, the result is worth it. When you realize how bad you are addicted, it's depressing and immobilizing. But when you are able to overcome it for a few months, then you feel joy. Your self-esteem rises and you are happier overall.
After debating with a few people, I've come to realize that there is another root to the homosexual debate. Before, I addressed one root is how someone views sex. This is still true, but there is also another one that is equally important. This root is the underlying mentality to "follow your heart."
This idea is actually quite controversial. Even though it appears often in movies, stories, graduation ceremonies, etc., people are divided on the idea. This in turn can impact their views on gay sex (being gay is not evil in my opinion and also not important to the logical root of the debate). When I see people saying that people are "born gay," I see that they are arguing for the ideal of "following your heart is right." When people are claiming it doesn't matter how one is born, they are arguing against "following your heart is right." Which side is right? Perhaps we should investigate how both sides are propagated.
As hinted above, culture is the one promoting the idea of "following your heart." When we see people using this idea to determine a course of action, they are the heroes and it's always right. When celebrities speak of their success, they say the same thing. Movies often promote the idea "If you you work hard, your passion will see you through against all odds." It actually sounds a lot like faith. It gives us hope and when are depressed, we want something we can hope for. Also, we tend to think of ourselves as the heroes and as good people. I believe the nature of man is good because the perfection of man is to love. In addition, we want to do what we believe in. Lastly, we don't like being wrong. If we say that we did what our heart told us to do, then we feel like that is a good excuse because we are the valid authority of saying what our hearts told us to do. So who are likely to abide by this opinion? Proponents of gay sex, artists, youth, culture, and businesses. The last two I'll explain later.
In opposition, these people hold that "following your heart" is not a good determinant of morality. They are more likely to adhere to religious morality or the morality I proposed before about love. Now it is understandable that proponents of "following your heart" believe the one about love to be the same as their idea, and it can be. As mentioned before, we like to think of ourselves as the heroes and naturally good. It's not exactly false, but not exactly true either according to the other side. These people see that following your heart can drive to both good and evil.
Culture tends to promote only the heroes as following their heart, not the villains. However, the villains are doing that. Extremists and the mob are following their heart when they commit crimes. So if your heart is ordered towards love, you might go that way. However, if it's ordered towards selfishness, it's going to go toward evil. An apt analogy is fire, as passion is often described as. If controlled, it's beautiful and beneficial. It can light dark caves, cook food, fight wild beasts, generate energy, send messages, keep us warm, save our lives, etc. However, when fire is uncontrolled, you cannot do any of those things. Instead it burns like a wildfire where death is the result. That's why people say you need to guide your heart with reason and discipline.
People on this side also see that passion is not enough to get you anywhere. I can be passionate about tennis, but without well-functioning arms, I cannot play well. Also, if I do follow my passion, I might actually waste my talents and potential. I saw a good summary of this view in a video by Mike Rowe.
Now your purpose in life may very well be your dream. Dreams are good as they give us hope and direction in life, but I've noticed something about a dream. It can not only make you always dissatisfied by being something impossible to obtain, it can distract you from recognizing what is good in front of you. You might have a dream to marry a certain celebrity, but if you are always comparing your date with that celebrity, you're never going to develop a real bond.
Another example is that I used to dream of a fantasy girl who was perfectly beautiful in my opinion. Hair color, height, hair style, etc. were all determined. I found one girl who pretty much fit the description almost too perfectly. That did not work well. However, I happened to get introduced to this other girl who definitely did not fit any of the criteria except in that she was a girl my age. What I realized was that this was the girl perfect for me, and she became my wife. My love has only grown for her as time has gone on. So dreams are those hopeful goals to help us through life and develop ourselves until we find something that is truly good. Some people don't have dreams and they are content. They are happy and enjoying life. When you are satisfied, you really don't desire anything more for yourself.
So who will hold this opinion? I assume Mike Rowe based off his video. Also religious groups that claim man is imperfect. In addition, people who believe that just following your heart will only increase your selfishness, not help your ability to love. It's not a question about whether man is good or evil, but rather that man is corrupted and can become evil if left unguided. Whether it's nature or nurture, it does not matter initially. By the time people can make choices, they are either on the selfish side of things, or loving side of things. However, whatever people are exposed to the most will impact their views. So if they exposed to selfishness a lot, they might adopt that mentality. Kids tend to imitate what they see from both parents and culture, especially the media.
So why will culture and businesses promote following your heart? Because it's an easy sell. Not only does it sound nice, it sets the stage to sell you stuff, including things you don't need. Since it can promote selfishness, the culture of selfishness loves it. It also knows it can create "needs" and therefore force you to buy into them. Also, if you make people feel good about themselves, they tend to do business with you. Therefore, I argue it's manipulation.
Every man has negative inclinations and we cannot let them control us. This is why people oppose the idea of following your heart. Consider what it means to follow your heart. It essentially means let your passions control you. This also means that whatever you are inclined to do is okay. So if you want something then it's okay to take it such as love (in the case of adultery), money (theft), and objects (theft). This chain of logic eventually means that greed is okay, lust is okay, envy is okay, and many other desires which increase selfishness. However, this means this is opposed to the key of morality I have mentioned before as this can hinder your ability to love. It's also not good for society at all.
The idea of following your heart probably had a good intention. It probably had faith that the people who would act on it were the people who are inclined to do good. However, it can also result in uncontrolled and misguided hatred. Every fallen hero becomes a villain because of this philosophy. They followed their passion and got disappointed. But since they were following a passion, they weren't improving their ability to love. Passion is good, but only when controlled to increase your love. In other words, your love should not be defined by your passion, but your passion should be defined by your love.
With Love,
N. D. Moharo
P. S. I didn't link to the first post above because I wanted people to read this one first. Now if you want to examine the idea of sex, you can click here.
I write to you to be careful
about the speed of your anger. Even in the world today, people get outraged
scarily fast. I can send out a message of less than 140 characters and the
whole internet can be in an uproar. This is not the way of perfection.
Consider those 140 characters.
They can state an opinion, but not the context nor explanation. In fact, the
outrage sometimes spreads even faster than someone can properly explain it.
This means immediate outrage might seem justified from the context you infer,
but it may not be true.
Getting angry quickly is a
horrible vice. It is how a mob gets created and various crimes get started. While
it is right to be angry about some things, it should always be under control.
Sometimes action is necessary, but you need all of the facts and still be
rational. When you get incredibly angry, you cannot be rational. This means you
cannot properly adhere to the universal code of morality, which centers on
perfect love. Instead, we are focused solely on our emotion, and we breed it.
When you are angry, you are hurt.
If you allow that to control your mind, then you will only cause pain. You
might think that following your heart is a good thing, but that’s how you
become an extremist where the result is death to others. You might consider
causing pain to be justified because you feel pain, but that’s not good for
anyone. In fact, it can only spread it because then they will feel pain and
then create more. Since pain is relative, you cannot distribute the just
amount. Instead justice requires patience and forgiveness. That is how bullying
can be stopped. That is how relationships can be saved.
There are many ways you can
destroy a relationship and one of those is uncontrolled passion. I can relate
how when I was dating, how often that speed of outrage threatened it from both
sides. I can recall how I was sick one time and she thought I had no love
because I didn’t offer to help with washing the dishes. Not only was it a
misunderstanding, it was a dangerous overreaction. Not only was my sickness ignored,
but so were all of the acts of love that I had showed her already. Anger
focuses on a very specific slice of a moment and then tries to find fuel to
burn from the past. Fire is a very apt description of anger. When it’s
controlled, it’s great, but uncontrolled is terrifying and deadly. The result is that you need the lifegiving water of love to stop it. Anger leads to Hatred and both are the result of selfishness. That is why true love is the cure.
I used to have trouble with my
anger as well. I got it under control by focusing on becoming sad instead of
angry. However, that isn’t enough. You also need to distract yourself until the
passion is gone. You need willpower to stay patient until you can find an
opportunity to get a proper explanation. To help, recall your love for the
person and use it to bestow the benefit of the doubt. Once you have a chance
for an explanation, actually ask if your interpretation is correct and then
listen to their explanation. Whether your impression was correct or not, the
explanation might show that your anger is unjustified. Even if they were wrong,
then you should act with love and politely explain why they are wrong. To do
this, recall my words about open minds and explain where in the logic he made a
mistake. When you do all of this, not only will your ability to love grow, but
you will also be a good model to show you are above the influence of the mob
mentality.
With Love,
N. D. Moharo
P. S. Again, hatred breeds more hatred. Recently there was a story about a man who was abused at work. The result is that he went out and shot many people. Unless we counter hatred with love, this will happen again and again. Since hatred focuses on your emotions, it breeds selfishness and opposes love. But when love is shown, it can extinguish the flames of anger. However, sometimes like a uncontrollable wildfire, even love cannot stop it. Instead, time and isolation is needed to allow the passion to die down. Then the waters of love can allow the forests of our hearts to flourish again.
To the Poor, Rich, and everyone in between,
You have likely heard the phrase "money is the root of all evil." Is this true? Not of itself, but it certainly is the root of many evils. Money by its nature is good. It helps us haggle and make smooth transactions. We don't have to make too obscure contracts and complex trades for simple things. In truth, it grants power and that's where things can start going wrong.
So money is not the real root of evil, but the love of money to the point that it becomes god is evil. Money is power, but power corrupts. Have a lot of money and you can have more corruption. The reason for this corruption is because of temptations. Temptations don't necessarily arise by what you can do, but what you think you can do. So the more power you think you have, the more evils you can think about doing. This is why people who inherit a lot of wealth suddenly have troubles. It takes a lot of virtue to be able to withstand the flood of temptations that comes with wealth.
So that is one reason for the argument about money being evil. Another stems from a similar vein. When money is your god, you seek it by all means. You will murder, steal, and corrupt others for this gain. That spread of corruption multiplies and leads to suffering and death all around. Not only that, but you will enslave others for your own gain.
How does money multiply corruption? It helps to recognize the true root of all evil, selfishness. Selfishness is essentially making yourself god, with the idea that everyone is to serve you. It manifests itself initially with internal conflict. By throwing your passions out of control, it promises to put it in balance, but actually makes it worse.
So money spreads corruption by creating an imbalance of passions in everyone it can. It purposefully creates conflict in some way or another. It creates needs that didn't exist by making people selfish instead of loving. It does this through advertisements, entertainment, and societal chaos. Why does evil exist? Because it fights really hard to maintain its power. It tries to convince us that it is good, despite all of the harm it causes.
Is there an antidote? Yes, and corruption knows about it and has tried to destroy it at all costs and by any method it can. True Love is the antidote and how society can become perfect. It's the True Religion I've advocated before. It is the perfection of all virtues and is strong enough to withstand corruption. This is how families and loved ones can not only grow, but thrive in a safe environment. It creates peace and and justice. Can you imagine the Middle East and Africa finally being at peace? True Love is the religion they need, not money. America may not be a religious nation, but the Founding Fathers did recognize that good virtues were beneficial to society. It is why we have hospitals, libraries, public schools, universities, orphanages, shelters, etc. These were advocated by those who had love for others. Let us take back control of our society and continue their legacy by practicing True Love.
To the Victims,
What does is it mean to forgive? It's a real mystery. It's said often but never really explained. Yet it is the key to a better society and many personal problems, including bullying.
There's a common phrase that goes like "Forgive and forget." This might indicate that forgetting is important, but then again, since it's separated from Forgive, it isn't part of it. Instead, it's more of a sign that forgiveness has taken place. I can remember your past misdemeanors, but if I bring them up again and again as something negative, then I really haven't forgiven you. On the other hand, if I bring them up as a way of showing your virtue, then it shows I did forgive. An example of this would be me saying, "Yeah, you broke my window, but I saw you were really sorry about it. You came and quickly apologized and helped me replace it."
We tend to think of forgiveness as relieving someone of responsibility, but this is wrong. Forgiveness can relieve someone of all responsibility, but it doesn't need to. In fact, some restitution almost always required. By restitution, I mean "the return or restoration of a specific thing or condition." Consider this example:
Imagine hitting a baseball into your neighbor's window. The window is broken. Your neighbor says he forgives you, but you still need to replace or help cover the cost of the window. Is that fair? No, because you are getting off easy. Your neighbor still has to bear the pain of having a broken window for a time. He has to suffer the inconvenience of taking care of something he wouldn't have had to before. There is a wound he has to suffer. If the window is special or unique, then the pain is even greater. That's where forgiveness comes into play.
"Forgiveness is Divine" because it is an act of love. It's an act of mercy, and by being so, a vehicle for Justice. I mentioned about restitution being "the return or restoration of a specific thing or condition." Now that status cannot be perfectly restored as I mentioned in my example above. However, the nature of Forgiveness is that it restores the perpetrator to the good graces of the victim. Justice is about restoring order and balance. Therefore forgiveness is essential to achieve proper justice. It's link to justice also helps show why retribution is required.
Retribution helps cover the physical burden, but forgiveness heals the emotional wound. Retribution also takes a second purpose when done properly. It shows that you accept the status of grace bestowed on you mercifully and return thanks by showing an act of love in return. By showing you are willing to bear some pain as well for the benefit of the one you have offended, you lower your pride for the benefit of someone else. The result is that Forgiveness, by being a vehicle for justice and an act of love, can actually turn a bad deed into the means of improving a relationship. That is also simply Divine.
With Love,
N. D. Moharo
P. S. Due to the 2nd nature of retribution I described, it's often the case that it is absolutely required for the improvement of the perpetrator. While Forgiveness can cover everything, the act of humility required to perform restitution helps the perpetrator grow to become a better person. However, the greater the act of forgiveness, the greater of an act of love it is. This also means that unless you truly have love for the perpetrator, you won't be able to forgive without some act of retribution. And yes, practicing forgiveness makes it possible to achieve perfect forgiveness. This is due to the nature of love as being linked to humility. The more humble you are, the easier it is to love and forgive because you care about the other person more than yourself.
P. S. S. Since Forgiveness is an act of love, the greater the act, the more the recipient feels love when he accepts it. This in turn makes it so he may become generous with love as well.
To the Lonely,
Can love be fun? Yes. It's called Friendship. Friendship is amazing in that it can be the highest form of love, even higher than marital sexual love. Since it has no relationship to sex, it's free to be between genders. The only barrier to this is our sex-obsessed culture.
A friend is another self but he's not a perfect copy. In fact, you can disagree on most things, but there is a mutual respect and care. A good friend is one who willingly desires what is best for you. If that sounds like the definition of love I constantly throw out, that's because it is with one added factor. Friendship is two people loving each other according to this pure definition.
A friend is one who desires for you to become the best you can be, and he'll do what he can to help you. This also means that a good friend will challenge you, but he will also celebrate with you in good times, and mourn with you during the bad times.
I tell you this to show that commitment to the Religion of True Love does not entail misery. In fact, hanging out and having a good time with friends is almost a requirement. Not only does it soothe your soul, but it increases the bond between you and your friend, making you even more capable to love. You can watch movies, play video games, have a good laugh, etc. As long as nothing you do attacks your love for your neighbor, you can do many things and have fun. When both friends are committed to the Religion of True Love, then it can be one of the greatest treasures on earth. The only thing that can destroy such a good friendship is the poison of selfishness.
Friendship is a beautiful thing as I've praised before. However, I've noticed that our culture has had trouble with helping people understand it. Having 1000 decent friends is not nearly as valuable as 1 good friend. In fact, it's very difficult to have such great love for more than 4 friends. You can have 1000 friends, but you probably will never have the deep relationship for more than 4 at a time, and that's okay. Another thing is that I've noticed in a few TV shows where they take a great friendship and make it sexual as if that is the goal and perfection. That is absolutely not the case. In fact, it can detract from it. Sex is an act of passion, but if you recall something I also constantly write about is that Love is an act of the will. Even when you are feeling hurt and angry at someone, love is something you can choose to do and that makes it the best thing in the world. It is influenced by the heart, but even when your heart doubts, your brain can prevent you from committing grievous acts that only cause harm.
An example of this is one time my wife and I were both feeling hurt. Something happened and we were both upset with each other. We did not want to be near or touch each other, but I knew this would only hurt our love. I knew that we needed to hug and talk, despite my heart saying no. However, my brain won with its argument that our love needed to be taken care of or it would be injured. The result is that we actually reached peace within 2 minutes versus a whole day of sulking with broken hearts. This also resulted in our love growing for each other rather than being damaged. Misunderstandings happen a lot, but love always seeks reconciliation as soon as possible, despite the protests of a sensitive heart. Friendship is a mutual love and it is fantastic!
I have written that the perfection of mankind is to truly love. I've also written long before that the phrase "Be a Man" means to "Be a Hero". There are no greater heroes than those who act out of love. These are the heroes that everyone benefits from. Even those who live by doing wicked deeds depend on these heroes existing. In fact, the only way the world could ever be perfect is if it embraces the message of true love rather than corrupting it. Of course, even if we are to recognize acts of love, how do we grow in it so as to become heroes?
The answer to that lies in virtues. I think the word virtue contains the Latin word for "man" because of this connection. Of course, many cultures have their own set of virtues and some are directly opposed to each other. However, I do believe we can identify a global set of virtues and the key is true love. I will say it again that "True love is putting another's deeds before your own." This is important in helping know what is a virtue and what is not in order to not be conflicted. When your conflict is gone, you end up with internal peace, bliss, and perfection. It is a tough battle because we have been preached the message of selfishness from birth. But we do see people who have obtained that joy, and so we know it is possible.
A helpful start and proof of concept for how love improves our lives is the 5 Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman, which I covered in how to recover from a spat. Something to know is that when someone's "love tank" reaches the high numbers, they are more joyful and perform many acts of love themselves. I recall waking up one morning, finding my mother prepared something for my day, and I no longer minded those bad drivers who cut me off on my commute. As yes, patience is an act of love since love is one of the three keys to dealing with impatience.
I do need to make one note, and it appears worldwide in some form or another. The Golden Rule is "Do unto others as you will have them do unto you." I consider this slightly better than the Confucian way of "Refraining from doing unto others what you would not want for them to do to you." This is because the former indicates to act rather than refrain. This promotes acts of love and societal growth, but the latter can let society decline. Anyway, the reason I bring this up is because self-love is important to have. The concept of love grows with humility, but not with self-hatred. When you don't love yourself the amount proper, you constantly leave your love tank at empty, meaning you have no motivation to love others as well. So yes, I encourage you to take care of yourself, take pride in your work, and have a healthy self-esteem, butnever at the expense of other people. That is the difference between self-love and selfishness. In fact, the goal of those things should be to assist you in helping others.
Back to the nature of virtues, it has been claimed that Selfishness is the source of all sins. So the complete opposite and "Mother of all Virtues" is Love. Not only is it the key to virtues, it's a virtue itself. You can create a good habit of doing everything with love so that it is how you are known. Here are some examples of other virtues: Respect, Honesty, Kindness, Justice, Almsgiving, Fidelity, Helpfulness, Hopefulness, Joy for Neighbor's success, Sympathy during Neighbor's misfortune, Merciful, and Forgiving.
A very important virtue is the Worship of Pure Goodness. The word worship may have negative connotations today, and perhaps deserves it, but that's because the things we worship in daily life are not what is meant to be worshiped. Sex is a good thing in itself, but there are people who will fight, sacrifice, and speak words of hatred in defense of their pursuit of sexual pleasure in all things. The same goes with money and entertainment. They are good things, but only in their proper places. Money makes it easier to bargain and trade. Entertainment helps soothe the soul. But when these things are brought out of proportion, they bring about suffering everywhere. We may not recognize the suffering it causes us, but the biggest effect is that it hurts our ability to love.
Here are some vices that hinder our love for others: Disrespect, Dishonesty, Envy, Cheating, Infidelity, Corruption, Greed, Gluttony, Lust, Apathy, Rage, Hatred, Censorship (the evil kind, not the proper one). All of these increase our own selfish desires at the expense of others. Even if another person is not directly involved, we are exalting ourselves to be above what is good. This actually only creates an imbalance in ourselves, which is a sign of us moving away from perfection.
This is the perfect man: He is honest and respectful. He rejoices in the good while disdaining evil. He shows Mercy and Compassion to those who need it. He rejoices in the fortune of his neighbor and mourns when misfortune falls upon his neighbor. He learns in order to perfect himself. He is hard-working and perseveres through difficulty. He is courageous and wise. Where there is despair, he hopes and prays. Everything he does is with love. This is a hero worth imitating.
With Love,
N. D. Moharo
P. S. The phrase was "Pride is the queen of all vices." However, I've found the proper understanding of this, and helps explain why it's okay to take pride in your work, is the word "Selfishness." The idea is that an excess of self-love that takes its pleasure even at the expense of someone else is the end goal of all sins.
To those searching for love,
One of society's greatest lies is that True Love is something sexual. Far from the truth. I can attest that True Love exists. I can testify that it can be at first sight, or better yet, not even have to wait for first sight. Let me tell you about True Love and how great it is.
True Love requires at least 2 people, but only 1 has to give. This is because True Love gives and receives, but the joy it receives is from giving. This is True Love:
A mother dreaming about her child's future while caressing the womb he occupies
A father who works hard so that his family will not starve
A poor man giving his only blanket to a helpless and abandoned baby
A soldier going to war in order that his country may stay free
A mother who cries after being told words of hatred by her child, but still cares for her children.
A man who forgives his brother of his sins.
A friend who gives up his life so that someone else may live.
True Love does not care if we are worthy. It cares that we exist. True Love is Godliness and it is the source of all that is good. It is the True and Perfect Religion. Anything that hinders you from being able to love is an evil.
I do not care what you have done. I do not even need to know you. But I can show you an act of True Love by evangelizing it to you. I have given you many examples so that you may be able to distinguish it from the world's corruption. When you really know what True Love is, free from the lies of religions and societies whose god is money, power, or pride, you can become truly happy. This is because the Perfection and Purpose of Mankind is to Love. Know this: You are Loved.
With Love,
N. D. Moharo
More examples:
The neighbor who weeps with you in time of mourning
The friend who rejoices you won even when he lost
The religious man who prays for those who hate him
The man who runs into a burning building to save a child
The stranger who performs emergency CPR
The friend who loans without demanding interest
Love is “Willing the good of the other,”
“Love is putting someone else’s needs before yours”
To Those Who Desire Justice,
The idea of Mercy can be a very confusing thing. When we often think of Mercy in terms of Justice, we might perceive that Mercy avoids Justice. When you get into religion, you may even hear the concept of a God who is Equally Merciful and Just. How can this be?
I actually only recently figured out a solution to this paradox today (28th of February) and the best way to explain it is to better focus once more on a little short story written by J. D. Nyle. His story of the Rapist Knight is the best example of Mercy and how Justice actually needs it. I suggest you read it before reading my thoughts on it.
The story asserts that Rape is evil and even places it as a crime punishable by death. A knight is caught in the act and shows no form of remorse for his actions. In fact, he even tries to say it's no big deal as she is a peasant girl. He is given the Death Sentence with proper comments that "If the warriors who are to protect my land are evil, what need does another army need attack us?" The Knight is confirmed to be wicked. However, that is only beginning of the story.
The prince intercedes for the knight, confirming his father's words about evil, but responding that he sees potential for the evil to be corrected far greater than the death sentence. His proposal is that the knight become a slave for the family he had wronged with the possibility of regaining his rank. We may consider this idea to be evil but the prince's words explain his idea. He says to the father of the family about the death of the knight: "But what good will it do you? It is quick and simple, but it will not take away the pain. He is a human being like yourself and so I implore you to have mercy. His life is yours to deal with. Please respect it as a human life.” The prince acknowledges that the scar of the crime cannot be satiated with just one man's death. The effects would still be there. He proposes that by servitude, this scar may be healed as well.
When the father of the family decides to join in the prince's act of mercy, we read on to see the knight does change. He serves the family, begins to respect them, mourns his action toward the maiden, and actually grows to love her and the daughter who is borne, keeping all of these beyond his time of sentenced servitude. The Power of Mercy is that it can restore balance and therefore be True Justice.
Consider what it would mean if the knight had died. The scar of being raped would still linger on the maiden. The knight would have died as a fallen knight. The family would have a daughter who was a result of rape and no father. Through the prince, father, and also the maiden's acts of mercy, the evils were corrected one by one, replaced with virtue. The knight previously had no respect for the maiden and now did. The knight wronged the people he was supposed to protect and serve willingly and now he does. The knight committed an act of selfishness but now properly loves the maiden. The daughter, who would have been borne without a father, now has a father who loves her. The knight who had dishonored himself now had earned true honor.
As I mentioned before in my essay about Equality, Justice is the true honorable desire and is described as "Scales of Justice" in which we want balance. The Death Penalty was certainly the acceptable law in the case, but the true fulfillment of the law was servitude. Without Mercy, there would still be an imbalance, but through Mercy, there is balance and perfection. This is what we need in our lives and this is why Justice and Mercy go together.
Sometimes coincidences are purely interesting. I recently attended a wedding and the bride and groom prepared some essays for their guests about why they were doing a Christian Marriage. I meant to share this earlier last week but lost access to my computer and only just received permission from the bride to share it. As a result, I'm posting this on Valentine's Day which is a Christian feast day but also famous for showing love to one another. Hope you enjoy the interesting insights this married couple wrote their their guests.
With Love,
N. D. Moharo
Why the Crucifix?
You may notice after entering the church there is a
crucifix, an image of Jesus when he died. Why do we prominently display this
image, which should seem to appear to be the worst thing to happen? This is
because God is an interesting Director and used this event to show how much He
loves us. By recalling the death and passion of our Lord, we remember how he
took flesh and suffered one of the most painful deaths to show that even though
we treat Him unjustly, desert Him, and even insult Him and speak words of
hatred, He loves us so greatly that He died for our sins. We pray that this
example of Love never leave our minds as there is no better example for
Christian Marriage.
There will be times where we make mistakes and hurt each
other emotionally, but it takes a strong will to endure the pain, forgive each
other, and continue to love each other. We must willfully desire what is good
for each other, even at the sacrifice of ourselves. Love is influenced by the
heart, but it is an act of the will. This makes it possible to “Love our
Enemies” and to love each other even when it is difficult.
Why Christian Marriage?
We often consider Marriage to be about Love even though the
joke is that very few actually still love each other after a few years.
Christianity, on the other hand, is and always has been about Love. It is about true, authentic, and undying
love. There is no other religion that can claim the title of Religion of Love.
Consider this chain of logic. God is Good. God is Love. God
created Man in His Image. God called Man
very good. If God is Good and Love, then
Man’s perfection and Happiness lies in being Good and to Love. Christianity
reveals that God created us out of Love in order to Love. God even became Man
to show us that perfect model of Goodness and Love. Therefore, Christianity
must be the Religion of Love.
Christianity has not only the perfect example of Love, but
it challenges us to strive towards that perfect example. Even if we cannot
reach the perfect model, there are many heroes called Saints that show us how
we can still love greatly. The first heroes we have are our parents bound
through marriage, committing to love each other “Through Good Times and Bad,
For Better and Worse.”
In today’s society, it’s hard to maintain that commitment,
but by focusing on Christian Models and Ideals, we look ahead with hope. We
have adhered to its teachings while we dated, and now we shall work to thrive
through them as we live as husband and wife.
Why the Mass?
The Mass consists of two liturgies. The first is where we
listen and reflect on the Bible. This is to help us appreciate the Love of God
and prepare our minds to participate in the second liturgy. The second is where
we participate in the passion of Jesus by receiving Holy Communion and praying.
The Mass is where we see a miracle every time with
transformation of Bread and Wine into the Body and Blood of Jesus. While the
physical attributes of Bread and Wine do not change, we believe that God has
changed the substance within. This is amazing because it allows God to dwell
within us.
In the Bible, Jesus states that those who want to enter
heaven must eat His flesh. It’s a strong statement, but reading it carefully,
we see that He was serious. But if Jesus is no longer present here on earth,
how is this possible?
We believe the Mass to make present the sacrifice of Jesus.
We do not believe that we offer up Jesus to die again and again, but that
through a divine miracle, we are somehow present at the one sacrifice. By this, He who created the world, turned a
sea into blood and then back again, and turned water into wine, is perfectly
capable of changing bread and wine into bodily flesh without changing anything
physical. It’s called a Miracle.
P.S. In this letter, I only covered visual beauty. There are other things that aren't so much visual as they are representative, such as a smile. While a smile is what you see, it's also something you can hear because the voice sounds different with a smile than a straight face or a sad one. While some people can adjust their smiles to be the most flattering, the natural smile evokes joy and when your friends see that, they feel happier as well. This "happiness" is also considered a thing of beauty because we see that as the proper order of things in pleasant circumstances. So if you smile more, you will also feel more beautiful.
Fights with your significant other are bound to
happen. There's a saying that the people we hurt the most are the ones closest
to us. However, the more the problems that arise are dealt with without
fighting, the better. How can we avoid escalating these problems into
"battles"? What can be done afterwards? I actually recently found the
answers to the first question and its amazing how obvious it should be.
I just saw a program about scolding and the first
step for "good scolding" was as follows: Confirm the Facts. So many
of the "fights" I had with my lovelier other half lately could have
been avoided if she asked me if her conclusion was correct before acting up.
This is because we as a society have an unfortunate tendency to mistake thoughtfulness
for thoughtlessness. One example was she cooked dinner but concluded I didn't
appreciate it because I didn't say "Thank you." What we eventually
found out was that I kept saying what I thought to mean "Thank you for the
meal," in her native language but it didn't. Hence, the stress and
conflict could have avoided if she asked, "Do you appreciate my
cooking?" instead of concluding that I didn't and become cold (note: she's
a fantastic cook).
Something that should be avoided is the assumption
the other knows what he or she did wrong. This is because we feels most of our
actions are justified until we are proven wrong. Remember the story about
cooking? I tried to say thank you in her native language because such efforts
tend to be the best received. I failed but that was because the phrase I used
was translated as "Thank you for the meal" in the language course I
was listening to. I should have tried saying both in English and her language,
but I didn't know that until she pointed it out.
Another thing to avoid is stopping the
communication. The point of fights is to communicate what your are feeling, but
if one side stops it, then there is nothing that can be done but determine the
relationship is over. I cannot think of a more damaging blow to the communication
between a couple than hanging up the phone or walking away in the middle the
other's explanation. It does not matter if the explanation is good or bad. When
you sever the communication, it is YOU who burned the bridge because by doing
that, you just expressed that you do not care to listen to the other. If this
happens, QUICKLY APOLOGIZE! Otherwise there will be no confidence you can ever
communicate properly and your relationship is over. If you do not care to
listen, it shows that you do not care to love.
Speaking of Love, that is truly the key to not only
avoiding the fights, but also the recovery from them. I could ramble on about
how "love is putting the other's needs before your own" but I've
already explained that in a few of my letters. This time I'll explain the Love
Language theory in how you can express your love to your beloved and have it
well-received. There's a book by Dr. Gary Chapman that claims we all have a
Love Language. This is how we express and receive love primarily. Remember how
I mentioned about speaking in your beloved's native tongue, the theory is the
same here. Even though you are saying the same thing, it won't mean as much as
when said with the primary language of love.
So do we have to learn French? Not at all, unless
your beloved is French with a certain love language. Dr. Chapman lists 5
languages that we speak and they are as follows: Words of Affirmation, Quality
Time, Acts of Service, Gifts, and Physical Touch. Let's divide those and very
briefly explain what they mean.
Words of Affirmation:Positive feedback. When someone does
something, they like to be praised for their good work or effort. A woman may
want to hear she's beautiful and thanks. A man may want to hear good job and
thanks.
Quality Time:These are the people who want your
attention. Just being with them but buried in your phone would actually be
worse than not being with them. They may not know what to do, but they know
they want to be with you.
Acts of Service:Surprise breakfast in bed is the most
famous example. These people respond greatly to receiving what may appear to be
trivial acts such as making their coffee in the morning.
Gift Giving:This person loves Christmas Gift
Exchanges. Not only do they feel the saying that it's great to give, they also
like to receive. The gifts don't necessarily need to be expensive. They can be
letters, a flower, or even a couple pieces of chocolate.
Physical Touch:Hugs. If they see something cute, they
likely want to hug it. Warm touching is what these people respond to the most.
They are also very sensitive to being pushed away, especially if they are
trying to hug you.
It is important to know these languages because it
will help drastically when your spouse says, "I don't feel like you love me
anymore," even when you say the words "I love you" every
morning. This would be because words are not his or her love language but maybe
gift giving is. The reason why we don't know this when we are dating is because
we naturally do all five. While it would be great to continue to do all five,
it's most important to focus on the top two or three that your loved one
communicates with.
Dr. Chapman also points out that everyone has a
"Love Tank" that needs to be filled through these Love Languages.
Something that should be noted is that after a fight, the Love Tank can get
near to empty and if it stays down there too long, that's when threats of break
ups start to happen. Something you really don’t want to do is tell your beloved
that you don't love him or her. Therefore it is crucial that you try to
communicate with the Love Languages after or during a fight. For example, if
Physical Touch is the primary language for both of you, Hug. This is why you
may have heard of the term "Make-up Sex," it works for some people
because of the language. You may have heard that it's important to give each
other some time to organize your thoughts, but only do that after you've
convinced each other you still love one another through those languages. Words
may not be enough. As I mentioned before, you do not want to sever
communications and it's more the case when you both are low in your Love Tanks.
It's also not going to help if Quality Time is the primary or secondary
language.
With Love,
N. D. Moharo
P.S. The Love Languages don't apply just to romance but also to
our daily lives with friends and relatives. Try using them and see how much
your relationships grow.
To the People of the World,
I ask you to consider the messages of the world. Do those things actually lead to happiness? Or do they actually conflict, leading only to confusion and eventually despair? Take for example the content of movies and prime television. Here, we can see that as long as it makes you "happy" it's perfectly fine to cheat on your wife and have an affair. Switch to the news and we see that having an affair can cause a man to lose everything he owns.
Consider the World's opinion on sex. Do the people who follow the message for free sex end up happier than those who practice a more "traditional" way? In the world's way, it preaches that you can never be satisfied while the other says you can. In this sense, they both are true. In the way of the world, where you let your sex drive take control, there will always be that dissatisfaction and thirst for more. The reason is not only because of the psychological studies many have shown sex to be like a drug in this case, but because in that way you never find what you truly want. Love. The so-called "traditional" method of sticking with one spouse through good times and bad emphasizes that Love is the goal of man. This is why you can be satisfied with just one person.
I mentioned before in my previous analysis on impatience that Love is "to will the good of another, even at your own expense," or as it was said in Frozen, "putting someone else's needs before yours." There's this interesting phenomenon where the people are at their happiest when they serve with love. I don't need to tell you how many of my friends say their best experiences were volunteering in a third world country. There are even a few Youtube videos that end with something along the line. Why is this?
I am actually currently reading a book to help explain someone's work on the Body and Sexuality. One theory that sounds really nice stems from the Judeo-Christian belief of Man being created in God's image. I know I've heard that many times with little meaning. I've heard that's the source of Man's dignity but that doesn't mean much to the modern world. However, there was one connection the book made that was very interesting, "God is Love." If God is Love and Man is made in the Image of God, then that means the ultimate goal of Man truly is to Love.
Is there proof to this concept in nature? If we consider the nature of man, we would reach that man is a social animal. This is proven through not only how we reproduce but how dependent we are on each other's skills and knowledge. I may not be able to farm, but I can develop programs to make it easier to farm. However, if there weren't farmers, then I wouldn't be able to develop those programs. In order for us to reach our highest potential, we are dependent on others and there is nothing wrong with that.
Consider also how different we act when we feel loved versus not loved. With the latter, we consider suicide but with the former, we are "full of life." Love gives us life, but only to us, but to those around us. A woman in love's smile is enough to brighten any cloudy day. I came home from a bad day at work and my love's smile got me laughing along that I didn't care about the problems I had anymore. Did I need sex from her? No, just her loving face was enough to make me happy.
So I leave you with this to consider. With Love being so crucial to our lives and the World having a twisted perspective that actually diminishes it rather than grows it, we ought to be careful when accepting its recommendations. Sometimes Good triumphs and the Good Movies get acclaimed, but that isn't often. I have found that in most "Critically Acclaimed" films, there is something that twists the concept of love, particularly the objectification of women. If you want to know if a movie has something like that with few spoilers, I use the website Plugged In which divides the content into categories of content. I may not always agree with what they is positive or negative, but the division is always helpful.
A year ago, I wrote a letter on the mentality for beginning a relationship and an explanation why the ideal method of starting off as friends first does not work as often as we like. This piece assumes you have already overcome that first obstacle and are preparing for a first date.
In my letter from last year, I hinted that using "friendship" as a means to obtaining a romantic relationship is dishonest and fake. It is psychologically better for both parties if you are honest about your intents from the beginning or make up your mind about reality. Likewise, on the honest front, your first impression should be an honest one as that will save a lot of time and trouble.
One time I went on a first date, I figured at some point that it wouldn't work out due to the impressions I was getting of her. While I believe we were both honest, I had a glimpse of her personality and saw that it didn't fit with mine. There is no second chance in making a first impression. As a tightly budgeted boy, I saw her never finish anything I bought for her in terms of food. While you can debate that love is more valuable than money, respect for another's income is also highly valuable. It's the worker's paradox that he wants to make money for his family and spend time with them but the family keeps spending all of the income so he has to work more and as a result is never with his family. Likewise, I hate seeing food wasted especially when I consider the poor who would have gladly eaten it.
The funny thing about this whole experience was that I felt like I was being tested. Tests are important while dating. However, they should never be disrespectful. Showing up 5 minutes late by accident is a great way of judging how they react, but it's only valuable when it's not your fault. If you purposefully waited 5 minutes to show up, then you are revealing more about your own character than you are learning about your date. I personally highly value that people keep their word or have some valid explanation rather than finding out they were simply testing me. It's a dishonest trick and disrespectful and not a good way to begin a first date.
So what are reasonable tests? Simply letting things happen. On the date I mentioned earlier, everything I got her either broke or was never finished. Yet I was still willing to give her a shot if she was too. As much as I had gathered we were not compatible, I also gathered she wasn't a bad person and so I was willing to go on a second date to see if it was just the circumstances of a horrible double-date. Needless to say, things happen and you can take into account the reactions later. If some item breaks and the accusation immediately comes that it was on purpose, then you probably aren't compatible. Either because the accusation was quick or because it really was on purpose. The only thing you should do on purpose is be respectful.
To the People in the Middle, When a controversial subject arises, things tend to get divided into two but most people actually fall somewhere in the middle. For many cases, this is the right place to be, but that depends on what you consider are the extremes. Concerning the Indiana Law that fueled so much anger, though in my opinion was unjust anger taken to an extreme, the "controversy" was caused by extremists. The law itself was very much in the middle as it paved way for business rights. As Rick Santorum pointed out, though if you just read headlines, you probably just thought it was hate speech, that it would make it so gays running companies would be forced to produce something they would consider "anti-gay". Likewise, it would allow other restaurants to refuse to cater a KKK ceremony on moral grounds. If you read the law, you should realize that there is nothing against tolerance but rather being tolerant of business owners' morals and opinions. In this case, you either support the law or not, there's no middle ground. It's a shame that the non-supporters have done such a poor job of trying to get rid of hate due to their own hate crimes.
Now I pointed out in a previous letter that the whole root for gay marriage debate is how you view sex. Here I will provide what must follow based off your choice. If you do not agree with any of the results, then you need to consider how you truly view sex and the reasoning behind it.
If you view sex to be as nature intended:
You cannot use birth control or any sexual action that does not lead to connecting the two parts as nature designed. This means no to oral sex, anal sex, and no masturbation
Pornography is a big no-no.
You should be concerned with modest clothing
Bestiality is definitely wrong
If you view sex primarily as a tool for pleasure
You cannot have a problem with porn or prostitution
You must have no qualms with adultery or cheating.
Statutory rape is no problem. Whether or not Roman Polanski raped that 13 year-old girl or if she was consenting, there was nothing wrong. After all, he had the support of so many celebrities such as Penelope Cruz. Oh! That means there was nothing wrong with all of those cases we have been hearing about lately. And those Catholic priest scandals mean nothing.
You have to accept gay sex as legitimate as well as incest and bestiality
If you approve of gay marriage on the basis of "love", what logical argument could you possibly have against polygamy and incestuous marriages? There also is no point to marriage existing as a practice either. Perhaps that's why you never hear of any prior cultures ever attempting to approve the idea of "gay marriage" even in cultures where gay sex was abundant.
Rape could be argued as an okay or acceptable practice. Especially if you are okay with dismissing some groups rights such as the case to refuse business to something they find objectionable. It would certainly only become more common. The more a mind is focused on gaining his own pleasure, the less he will care about others displeasure. Consider the boy in the U. K, who raped his younger sister just to "try it out" after watching porn. Likewise, that Roman Polanski case (though I don't dare dive into whether it was rape or not. He apparently acknowledged that he at least had sex with her even though she was 13). With so many celebrities supporting him, what can you expect?
Something I find interesting was to learn that many sexual diseases exist because the sexual act was not done as nature had prescribed. Now whether my sources were correct is another question, but it does warrant investigation. If they are true, does beg the question, why don't we simply do it properly and then the diseases will die out?
Hello Everyone,
I've avoided this topic for a long time because I'm
really sick of it. I'm actually sick of romance in general at this point.
I even find it hard to think of a movie or book that has no aspect of romance
at all. The only one I can think of at the moment is The Hobbit
(the book and part one). However, I don't think we'll be rid of the
topic for a while so I might as well contribute to hopefully helping people
from both sides have a better understanding of each other. Perhaps if we limit
the amount of "hate" from both sides, there will be actual
progress.
Some people might think that the rise of the "Gay
Rights Campaign" is just the latest of the "Civil Rights
Movements." This is understandable because the core issue pretty
much started at the same time, but it wasn't about rights, it was about
the meaning of sex. Both sides of the homosexual debate boils down to how one views sex. Is it for pleasure or for procreation?
That's how simple it is and is the answer to why some groups will never approve
of "gay marriage."
That issue reveals that the idea of homosexuality is just
the recent culmination of the debate on abortion, contraception, and the
purpose and practice of sex. To be honest, I'm still surprised that
homosexuality has taken the stage before incest or polygamy. I would
have thought those would be harder to argue against but we'll see those
arguments eventually. Anyways, I am wandering off topic. Let's look at the
opinions.
On the homosexual side, sex is meant for pleasure. This
would mean that it would logically have the support of those who are in favor
of porn, those who are okay with contraception and free sex, and the media that
likes to promote those ideas to make money. Also, it can be a form of
intimacy. So I can somewhat understand that those heavily invested and moved by
romance tales can support this side.
For the people on the other side, sex is for
procreation and the effects of pleasure and intimacy are effects to serve that
goal. Seriously, sex rationally sounds gross. The guy uses the thing he pees
with to mate with the girl who bleeds in that area? If it wasn't pleasurable,
mankind probably never would have had sex and considering how hard it
is and long it takes to procreate, we would be extinct. As
for intimacy, it's a necessary to keep the parents together to raise the weak
and helpless child as well as give themselves to each other. These people view
that taking the procreation aspect out of intercourse results in an large
increase of men being jerks and abandoning responsibility (I think this
has proven true), the objectification of women (some of whom are partially undermining the efforts
to limit this), an increase in divorce (rates have greatly
increased over the last 50 years), and that people will grow up to be more
childish than actual adults. So people who look at the results like these
and those who are for "doing as nature intended" would hold this
view. An example of this would be the Catholic Church which
apparently produced a document called “Humanae Vitae” with these details at the
start of the debate over 50 years ago and still has not changed its stance.
I can also understand that these people in the latter
group have things to fear. Currently, the idea of voting has been attacked as
many voter approved measures across the country have been overturned by
the courts. The idea that things like this are state issues as expressed
in the Bill of Rights and should be determined by the state and not
the federal government also has been undermined. Soon enough, the First
Amendment will be under fire as gay couples will demand that they can get
married wherever they want to be, at the expense of people practicing their own
values. This includes a few Christian Denominations, Conservative Jews,
and Muslims, and so on. What I can see is that this group sees that if the
foundations of all rights are taken away, there is no guarantee that any rights
will be protected (unless it helps someone gain power/money for the short
term). America has one of the oldest current governments, but it almost looks
like it's doomed to collapse as people sacrifice the foundations for their
rights for things they consider rights (but what is a right?).
Personally, the thing that upsets me the most is
the value that appears to be overlooked and yet attacked very
stealthily. I fear that the next generation will be afraid of or not
know real friendship. Every deep friendship that I can think of in the
media or stories is somehow being subverted. It's a running and
overdone joke in Sherlock that people think Holmes and
Watson are gay despite their own words. Even longer,
people played around with idea for David and Jonathan. We are even at the
point where two teenage girls hold hands and we can immediately
think they are lesbians. That's sad considering that that last
one was not even a thought a few years ago. I just saw a TV show that
featured holding hands as just excitement for seeing a good friend,
just as little girls who don't know about sex would. Unfortunately, we've
turned hand-holding into a sign of romance now, and soon we'll start
teasing/bullying people that they "must be gay" (which is the case in
Sherlock).
The idea of being "bullied into being gay" does
strike a big chord in me. This actually does happen and cause so much trauma
for these kids. When everyone around you says it must be so, you start to
wonder if it's true. Can you imagine if it comes from your family as well? As
much as you fight with your siblings and parents, they do have a big impact on
your development, especially during the confusing adolescence period,
which makes them the most vulnerable and anxious as well as easy target. The
only reason I was spared this is because I didn't understand the insults I
was given. To me, the definition of "gay" was "happy,"
as in the Christmas carol Deck the Halls. I remember it being explained to me,
but just like when my father tried to explain the concept of sex and where
babies came from, it did not click in my head. All I remember was
having one of my favorite drinks and just nodding along.
Unfortunately, I think we will only see an increase of
these attacks on friendship and bullying. Soon, people are going to just assume
that your best friend will always be your romantic partner. After all, it's
always the close friendships we see that people speculate about. This
might also be in part to blame about how girls nowadays refer to marriage as
"a sleepover with your best friend every night." It's an ideal to
some that your spouse is also your best friend, even though that doesn't have
to be the case. Actually, I've started to wonder if doing so actually ruins
your friendship. It's a subject I'm currently pondering as I wonder if it's
supposed to be the reverse. Maybe the true ideal is not that
your good friend becomes your spouse, but that your spouse becomes your
great friend. I'm thinking about this because a true friend is someone you
have common interests and respect but at the cost of nothing in
return but respect and love (not the romantic type). Meanwhile
a romantic love is normally complementary and demands
some sort of exchange in order for it to continue. Anyways, I still need
to think about that more. As it is, I have taken enough of your time. I hope
this helps both sides get a better understanding of each other and lead to more
peaceful discussions instead of heated and angry fights.
