Starting a Relationship

Dear Readers,

                I’m sure many of you, at one time or another, have been concerned with dating. I had troubles myself, and if I had to try again, probably would have difficulty. Alas, I hope I don’t need to ever worry about that again since I care very much for the woman I am with. It was because of this woman that I began to ponder the idealisms we are exposed to when it comes to relationships.

                If you ask around, some people will probably say it is best to get to know someone before you begin dating. There’s this idealism that it is best to become friends and then date. However, I know some guys have difficulty overcoming the fear of asking a girl out. When they try this recommended approach, there’s an added fear of losing the friendship he had built if he is rejected. I feel like this fear can be amended, and the question that popped into my head was, “If your intention from the start was to eventually ask her out, did you have a real friendship?” In other words, do you really have anything to lose besides getting hurt?

                I’ve tried the recommended approach myself, and it rarely ends well for me. I have a few theories on why this may be the case. The first is that I am fairly impatient, and waiting for the “right time” can make me sick and unable to eat. The impatience can also lead to stalking, and with social media like Facebook, it’s very easy to makes things worse. You can go from the guy with good intentions to the guy creeping her out because you haven’t communicated that you liked her in person.

                My theory is an idea of level balance. If you are interested in dating but she isn’t, there’s an imbalance which leads to an unhealthy relationship. This is very important to realize. If a man meets a woman and is immediately interested in dating, the recommended approach mentioned earlier cannot work unless she is interested at the same time. If the primary motive for one is to date, then that needs to be the primary motive of the other as well. When I asked my friends about their experience, I found the reason why the process of becoming friends and then dating worked because the man did not start with an idea that he would date her. One friend did say he thought his girlfriend was the type he would like, but he had already decided that it would not happen. Hence, friendship became the primary motive for their relationship, and it eventually grew into a romantic one.

                Realize I am not saying that if the primary intention is to date, that the relationship will not work. My recommendation is that if that is the primary intention, in which you mean friendship to help you obtain that goal, you should simply be honest and express it clearly. To hold that friendship was only a means to an end is dishonest and not real. Friendship is a path, not a means. While you may hold things in common, it is best to establish in your head from the beginning if you can date or not. Once that is fixed, you can begin a real friendship that could change, but at least you will be on the same level.

N.D. Moharo