Relationship Fights: Avoiding and Recovery

To the Battle-Torn Lovers,

    Fights with your significant other are bound to happen. There's a saying that the people we hurt the most are the ones closest to us. However, the more the problems that arise are dealt with without fighting, the better. How can we avoid escalating these problems into "battles"? What can be done afterwards? I actually recently found the answers to the first question and its amazing how obvious it should be.

    I just saw a program about scolding and the first step for "good scolding" was as follows: Confirm the Facts. So many of the "fights" I had with my lovelier other half lately could have been avoided if she asked me if her conclusion was correct before acting up. This is because we as a society have an unfortunate tendency to mistake thoughtfulness for thoughtlessness. One example was she cooked dinner but concluded I didn't appreciate it because I didn't say "Thank you." What we eventually found out was that I kept saying what I thought to mean "Thank you for the meal," in her native language but it didn't. Hence, the stress and conflict could have avoided if she asked, "Do you appreciate my cooking?" instead of concluding that I didn't and become cold (note: she's a fantastic cook).

    Something that should be avoided is the assumption the other knows what he or she did wrong. This is because we feels most of our actions are justified until we are proven wrong. Remember the story about cooking? I tried to say thank you in her native language because such efforts tend to be the best received. I failed but that was because the phrase I used was translated as "Thank you for the meal" in the language course I was listening to. I should have tried saying both in English and her language, but I didn't know that until she pointed it out.

    Another thing to avoid is stopping the communication. The point of fights is to communicate what your are feeling, but if one side stops it, then there is nothing that can be done but determine the relationship is over. I cannot think of a more damaging blow to the communication between a couple than hanging up the phone or walking away in the middle the other's explanation. It does not matter if the explanation is good or bad. When you sever the communication, it is YOU who burned the bridge because by doing that, you just expressed that you do not care to listen to the other. If this happens, QUICKLY APOLOGIZE! Otherwise there will be no confidence you can ever communicate properly and your relationship is over. If you do not care to listen, it shows that you do not care to love.

    Speaking of Love, that is truly the key to not only avoiding the fights, but also the recovery from them. I could ramble on about how "love is putting the other's needs before your own" but I've already explained that in a few of my letters. This time I'll explain the Love Language theory in how you can express your love to your beloved and have it well-received. There's a book by Dr. Gary Chapman that claims we all have a Love Language. This is how we express and receive love primarily. Remember how I mentioned about speaking in your beloved's native tongue, the theory is the same here. Even though you are saying the same thing, it won't mean as much as when said with the primary language of love.

    So do we have to learn French? Not at all, unless your beloved is French with a certain love language. Dr. Chapman lists 5 languages that we speak and they are as follows: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Acts of Service, Gifts, and Physical Touch. Let's divide those and very briefly explain what they mean.

Words of Affirmation: Positive feedback. When someone does something, they like to be praised for their good work or effort. A woman may want to hear she's beautiful and thanks. A man may want to hear good job and thanks.

Quality Time: These are the people who want your attention. Just being with them but buried in your phone would actually be worse than not being with them. They may not know what to do, but they know they want to be with you.

Acts of Service: Surprise breakfast in bed is the most famous example. These people respond greatly to receiving what may appear to be trivial acts such as making their coffee in the morning.

Gift Giving: This person loves Christmas Gift Exchanges. Not only do they feel the saying that it's great to give, they also like to receive. The gifts don't necessarily need to be expensive. They can be letters, a flower, or even a couple pieces of chocolate.

Physical Touch: Hugs. If they see something cute, they likely want to hug it. Warm touching is what these people respond to the most. They are also very sensitive to being pushed away, especially if they are trying to hug you.

    It is important to know these languages because it will help drastically when your spouse says, "I don't feel like you love me anymore," even when you say the words "I love you" every morning. This would be because words are not his or her love language but maybe gift giving is. The reason why we don't know this when we are dating is because we naturally do all five. While it would be great to continue to do all five, it's most important to focus on the top two or three that your loved one communicates with.

    Dr. Chapman also points out that everyone has a "Love Tank" that needs to be filled through these Love Languages. Something that should be noted is that after a fight, the Love Tank can get near to empty and if it stays down there too long, that's when threats of break ups start to happen. Something you really don’t want to do is tell your beloved that you don't love him or her. Therefore it is crucial that you try to communicate with the Love Languages after or during a fight. For example, if Physical Touch is the primary language for both of you, Hug. This is why you may have heard of the term "Make-up Sex," it works for some people because of the language. You may have heard that it's important to give each other some time to organize your thoughts, but only do that after you've convinced each other you still love one another through those languages. Words may not be enough. As I mentioned before, you do not want to sever communications and it's more the case when you both are low in your Love Tanks. It's also not going to help if Quality Time is the primary or secondary language.

With Love,

N. D. Moharo

P.S. The Love Languages don't apply just to romance but also to our daily lives with friends and relatives. Try using them and see how much your relationships grow.

Does the World Lead to Happiness?

To the People of the World,
    I ask you to consider the messages of the world. Do those things actually lead to happiness? Or do they actually conflict, leading only to confusion and eventually despair? Take for example the content of movies and prime television. Here, we can see that as long as it makes you "happy" it's perfectly fine to cheat on your wife and have an affair. Switch to the news and we see that having an affair can cause a man to lose everything he owns.
    Consider the World's opinion on sex. Do the people who follow the message for free sex end up happier than those who practice a more "traditional" way? In the world's way, it preaches that you can never be satisfied while the other says you can. In this sense, they both are true. In the way of the world, where you let your sex drive take control, there will always be that dissatisfaction and thirst for more. The reason is not only because of the psychological studies many have shown sex to be like a drug in this case, but because in that way you never find what you truly want. Love. The so-called "traditional" method of sticking with one spouse through good times and bad emphasizes that Love is the goal of man. This is why you can be satisfied with just one person.
    I mentioned before in my previous analysis on impatience that Love is "to will the good of another, even at your own expense," or as it was said in Frozen, "putting someone else's needs before yours." There's this interesting phenomenon where the people are at their happiest when they serve with love. I don't need to tell you how many of my friends say their best experiences were volunteering in a third world country. There are even a few Youtube videos that end with something along the line. Why is this?
    I am actually currently reading a book to help explain someone's work on the Body and Sexuality. One theory that sounds really nice stems from the Judeo-Christian belief of Man being created in God's image. I know I've heard that many times with little meaning. I've heard that's the source of Man's dignity but that doesn't mean much to the modern world. However, there was one connection the book made that was very interesting, "God is Love." If God is Love and Man is made in the Image of God, then that means the ultimate goal of Man truly is to Love.
    Is there proof to this concept in nature? If we consider the nature of man, we would reach that man is a social animal. This is proven through not only how we reproduce but how dependent we are on each other's skills and knowledge. I may not be able to farm, but I can develop programs to make it easier to farm. However, if there weren't farmers, then I wouldn't be able to develop those programs. In order for us to reach our highest potential, we are dependent on others and there is nothing wrong with that.
    Consider also how different we act when we feel loved versus not loved. With the latter, we consider suicide but with the former, we are "full of life." Love gives us life, but only to us, but to those around us. A woman in love's smile is enough to brighten any cloudy day. I came home from a bad day at work and my love's smile got me laughing along that I didn't care about the problems I had anymore. Did I need sex from her? No, just her loving face was enough to make me happy.

    So I leave you with this to consider. With Love being so crucial to our lives and the World having a twisted perspective that actually diminishes it rather than grows it, we ought to be careful when accepting its recommendations. Sometimes Good triumphs and the Good Movies get acclaimed, but that isn't often. I have found that in most "Critically Acclaimed" films, there is something that twists the concept of love, particularly the objectification of women. If you want to know if a movie has something like that with few spoilers, I use the website Plugged In which divides the content into categories of content. I may not always agree with what they is positive or negative, but the division is always helpful.

 With Love,

N. D. Moharo

Concerning Ideologies

To the People,
    You may recall I wrote to you before expressing my idealogy. In there, I described it as "Idealism with relation to Reality" to symbolize that I strive for ideals but accept the reality of the failures and that some people will strive to oppose them. I also pointed out that I would not consider myself a conservative nor a liberal.
    The current situation is even more true as I have come to realize these terms are relative names that mean different things in different places. For example, the Liberal Democratic Party of Japan is considered the "conservative" party. Meanwhile, "conservatives" in Ireland are okay with things that "conservatives" in America wouldn't be. Why should I associate myself with a label that would misrepresent my ideals in a different places? By coming up with a statement that people don't think of, it forces people to actually examine my thoughts and ideals and perhaps we can have a conversation.
    Another thing I learned recently is that coming up with names doesn't help, especially as we stereotype people with them. Why should I call anyone in a debate anything but his or her name? I certainly have complaints against both the Republican and Democratic Parties of the U.S. but just because one person associates with either doesn't mean much unless they are a politician. What someone pointed out was that when we labeling people, then we start to narrow our focus instead of trying to see the big picture of how everything fits together. This is partially because we then try to either stick with the association or prove we aren't. Either way, we become distracted from the main conversation and there will not be any progress.
    So have my ideals changed? They are still taking shape and there are things I can still learn. What I want you to take from this is to join me in trying to break from the chain of "labeling" and instead focus on addressing the subjects at hand.

Peace,

N. D. Moharo

Information about the Gaming Blog site

So this has been on hold for a while. There is still the intent to start another blog site focused on gaming though circumstances kept us from launching when I expected. However, we are still accepting applications through our google form if you are interested in joining the writing team. Here is some information about our policies and goals


About Reasonable Gaming

E3 2015 gave a glimpse into a nasty part of the gaming community. Combined with the recent Gamergate scandals and so on, there is a need for a sanctuary for "Reasonable Gamers." This blog will not be relaying gaming news but rather opinions and game reviews. The goal is to encourage proper discourse in conveying our likes and disappointments. As such, the policies center around these ideas.

Policies

• As we are not an official organization and will not be represented at conventions, you are free to be anonymous, meaning you can write under a penname
• Improper language is not tolerated. If you include bad language or swearing, they will be edited or removed.
• Comments will begin as slightly moderated to ensure no spamming of offensive material
• As much as we prefer good writing, it is not a requirement
• We do value integrity in your posts. Please only share what you have written
• Do not use this site as a means to promoting controversial ideals. This site is so that all gamers can find some peace and interesting ideas instead of being preached. The mainstream sites like IGN and Kotaku do enough of the latter.
• Currently no plans to monetize anything on this blog. If the idea comes up, it will require a majority
• All writers are seen as volunteers and so any dismissal will be notified before termination and given the reasoning for termination.
• Men and Women are equal and anything that promotes the objectification of one or the other may result in termination
• Staff should also treat each other with respect. Failure to do so may also be grounds for termination
• You maintain the rights to the content you write. If you want to share it on other sites and blogs, go ahead. We would appreciate a share link to this site though

Ideals

• Mission Statement: Encourage proper discourse in conveying our likes and disappointments
• Gaming should be a pleasant experience and opinions should revolve around ideals of enjoyment
• Nothing Controversial or too political in order that this site may stay a sanctuary to those just interested in gaming
• No console war garbage
• No harassment of other gamers
• No harassment of the staff

If you would like to join the staff, fill out the following google form. Note that you will need a Google account in order to write for us since this is through Blogger.

Idealogy Compatibility Test

To the politically minded,

    Sometimes I feel like many people haven't thought much about their ideals but just adopt them because "they sound good." In their true nature, they probably are good but oftentimes they are twisted or not properly taught and so people use them in ways that actually act against them. Here, I will give a list about some of these Ideals and discuss them.

Censorship: What this means is the ability to effectively control what someone else will see. People tend to think of this as a violation of Free Speech, which it certainly can. On the other hand, if you don't allow for any censorship, then you forfeit any right for arguing against anyone using profanity or hate speech. The ideal of proper censorship is that it encourages good things, especially for children as they are in their formative years, while also limiting offensive or distracting material. Hence, censorship is not evil in itself but can be used for evil.
     Consider this analogy for censorship. Your child is a plant in your garden. As it is your garden, you have the full right and duty to determine how it is raised. You can ask for assistance and pay a gardener or you can let anyone do whatever. If you leave the plant unattended and free for anyone to dump whatever they think is good, you will undoubtedly get something toxic that will kill the plant, undoing all the good stuff people and you put in to help raise it. A plant requires a lot of good water an nutrition, but it only takes some bad water to kill it. Another thing about censorship is that it can take bad water and filter out all of the bad stuff so the plant only receives what is good.

Free Speech: This comes under fire a lot due to hate speech, profanity, and art. Something to consider is the thought behind Free Speech or rather Freedom of the Press. First off, not everyone has a right to know everything otherwise we would have to give away our Intellectual Properties, Defense secrets, as well as social security and privacy information to our enemies and the world. The idea for Freedom of Press is that the government cannot force the press to publish lies. So when the media does publish lies on their own, especially with rumors, that is a violation of the nature of that freedom. I would argue further that the construing of words from people to incite rage where there shouldn't be is also a violation (such as done with headlines concerning Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas' recent dissent).
    Speaking of the dissent, that is the proper ideal of Free Speech. Free Speech is meant for people to speak their mind freely to bring up their concerns and ideas for action. All efforts to suppress such expression (such as by labeling it "hate" when it isn't, or construing a headline to make it appear negative) is an evil practice of censorship. This is because the true motivation is not really the care of the people, but that the people agree with you, even though you may be wrong. Free Speech is to allow other people to express their ideas in an environment so that people may reason if they are good or not. People have a right to express their concerns as that is how we learn what is important to them and how even if our goal is good, the method toward getting there is evil.

Summary: Proper practice of Censorship and Free Speech are compatible, but only if you live up to the ideals of both. Construe either and you have a contradictory understanding.


This ends part one of my explanation of ideologies. Hopefully this helps you obtain peace in understanding how these work together. Next time maybe I'll discuss Science and Faith and hopefully that will also resolve so many misunderstandings and illogical debates.

N. D. Moharo

Concerning Hate Speech

To the easily outraged,
    What is hate speech? It appears that if we want to censor something or someone these days, we claim it's hate speech. If someone were to point out that the Confederate flag never meant "We hate blacks!" but instead that "The United States receive their power from the States," I'm certain someone would claim to be offended and then classify that point as Hate Speech. Unfortunately, such claims are actually misuses of Censorship. Now censorship is not evil in itself (more on that another day), but it does get misused often and the classification of "hate speech" is a prime example.
    Let's consider the nature of hate speech. It is composed of two words, "hate" and "speech" which means it requires those two together in order to exist. While speech is present in most cases, the "hate" isn't. I recall reading on the media the outrage over a Nobel Prize winner for his "sexist" remarks about women in the lab. When I dived into it, I didn't see anything about hate, just what he had learned from personal experience. Does his personal experience mean it applies globally? Not necessarily, but rather than dishonor him, shouldn't we have tried to let him continue his work in an environment where he can work best? Everyone is distracted by one thing or another. Some scientists can love rock and roll to keep them focused (think NCIS), while others need complete silence. What does that mean? They are incompatible working together. As for the "sexist remarks," they merely corresponded to the taboo about dating a coworker and how creating those situations can cause problems. Because romance involves two parties but often is only one-sided, it shouldn't be hard to realize that it can be a problem. I could go on about this but I am beginning to digress.
    Back to that thing about the Confederate flag, I would argue the outrage people have over it would be better classified as hate speech than those who want to keep it (unless they fall under the group that believes it actually does express hatred). How bad is it? People today have become so single-minded that they refuse to acknowledge the other side's points and concerns. Why are we so focused on a flag that has no power to incite hatred in the people who know its real meanings instead of why a shooter was filled with hate in the first place? If a shooter went into a church, mosque, or synagogue holding a rainbow flag and began to shoot everyone, would gays surrender their rainbow flag to never be used or flown again? The original meaning of the rainbow was "Peace" (and has been since almost the beginning of recorded history) but if we focused on it like the confederate flag, we would forget that. I can tell you that there have certainly been a lot more hateful violence committed under that rainbow colored flag than the media will care to admit.

     Perhaps we should discuss what the word "hate" means. It is not merely disagreeing or disliking someone. Did you know that you can love your enemies, those you disagree with, and those you do not like? You can read more about that in my letter on impatience. Hate is the antonym for love. Just as Love desires what is good for someone else, hate desires what is evil for someone else. It must be realized that this desire is solely from the source, not the target. An expression of eliminating all blacks (like Margaret Sanger, the founder of Planned Parenthood) would be fair to call "hate speech". A commentary that most black men are in a bad situation because of their focus on gangs instead of studying cannot be classified as "hate speech". First off, the former example is an expression of desire while the latter is a commentary which is not expressing any desire but pointing out what appears to be a fact. The sad thing is today's society tends to attack things like the latter which are attempts to figure out the truth and make progress. When we use our power of "Censorship" by deeming it "hate speech" and attacking the person who said it, we not only make it difficult to address the problem he is trying to convey but we also show that we are truly a hateful society.

With Love,

N. D. Moharo

The Nature of Impatience

To the impatient,

    If you are like me, being told to "be more patient" is not really helpful. In fact, it's pointless and counterproductive. Why? Because it doesn't tell you anything about how to do so. Allow me to rectify to situation and explain what I have realized to be the causes of impatience and the keys to dealing with it. As some wise man said a long time ago, "Knowledge is the key to victory."

    I did a Google and Bing search on the word "impatient," and they define it as "having or showing a tendency to be quickly irritated or provoked." I will actually disagree with this as it inaccurately covers it. After all, it can be a single occasion where you are impatient, meaning it's not necessarily a tendency. What the definition did get right is that it is provoked, and that is what we will deal with today.

    Something I figured out a while back is the level of impatience a man will have will correspond to how important he feels his time is at that moment. Hence, a man who feels like he can go faster will be upset being behind a car that is going the speed limit. The next thing I discovered is that it also arises when feeling wronged. And so the man driving the speed limit will grow impatient at the man behind him who is honking because he is going the speed limit. Therefore, I suggest the two root causes of impatience are the perception of wasted time and feeling wronged.

    I pondered whether or not wasted opportunity would be a cause, however, that could actually be either "waste of time," "feeling wronged," or both. If you missed a green traffic light, you would be upset possibly because you have to sit and wait for a few extra moments when you are in a hurry or your effort was wasted and so you feel wronged, even more so if you missed a light because you stopped at the previous one or allowed someone to cut in front of you.

    So what are the keys to dealing with this? How do you become more "patient"? In this case, the root of patience is a combination of three things: Humility, Love, and Acceptance. Is it a coincidence that a good mother has these things in abundance? The same internet searches for "Humility" return the definition of "a modest or low view of one's own importance; humbleness." I will agree with this definition as it complements the point I made earlier about impatience linked with importance. If one does not view himself as too important, then it's easier for him to be patient.

    Likewise, the true definition of love (which Google completely misses but which Disney's Frozen hits spot on) is "putting someone else's needs before yours" or as I have said before, "to will the good of another, even at your own expense." This is why the greatest act is said to be "to lay down your life for a friend." Note that this is very different than the romantic notion of love which instead seeks your own pleasure. Seriously, who thinks that they want to date solely to make someone else happy? There is far more love from the people who refuse to date out of respect for someone else (and therefore refrain from cheating or adultery). This also explains the link between love and humility as it is far harder to love someone else when you consider yourself more important. The more humble you are, the easier it is to love everyone, including the poor and your enemies.

     The last key is acceptance. Something happened, and you can't change that. The only thing you can do is try to avoid it in the future. As a society, we focus too much on what we can do that we try so hard to control everything, including our sex and genetics. The problem about this thirst for power is that it can never be satisfied. We need to learn that there are some things beyond our control, and it's better that we never try to overcome it. If you learn to grow in these three things, then your patience shall increase.

    For my last point, I will argue that there are certainly some cases where it is okay to be "impatient." If you are able to do it respectfully, it is in your control, and all other methods have failed to convey the true urgency of the situation (one that is not selfish such as preventing a murder), then you may have a right and obligation to be upset with someone. However, if it is a case of oversleeping and running late for a meeting, that is not an acceptable excuse for being rude and driving poorly.

With love,

N. D. Moharo